Saturday 19 March 2016

Minecraft 2: The Rechurchening!

Ok, so I got pretty annoyed with how shitty the church looked before. So annoyed, in fact, that I went and tore it all down. It was a pretty shitty church to be fair.

My name is Marear Harylls, I have served with the special forces, I have built a house out of debris and built in the frozen waters of the arctic.
Today I will build an extreme and intense church. I will be tested like I have never been tested before.


When building a church, gaining the higher vantage point is beneficial so you are able to tell whether or not there are any dangers nearby, or if there is a place more suited to build. You should never just build it anywhere as there might be dangerous creatures lurking nearby. And getting killed is bad for morale.


















I went into creative mode to gain a higher vantage point. I soared through the skies to observe the grounds most suitable to placing this blasted church. It was intense. The view was exhillerating.

I saw dramatic coastlines and rocky mountain tops. But I finally found a place to set down this church.
I realised I couldn't stop. I needed to see this all the way through.

I built like a champion.
I tested out the different perspectives, I tested building materials. I was getting down and dirty with this church. This blasted, blasted church. I took the building materials in my hands and got to it. It was an intense feeling.

I won't lie. I was about to give up a couple of times, but then I remembered what I was told by my trainer many years ago: I just had to drink my pee to stay hydrated. This gave me a moral boost. A much needed boost to keep on building.

What you need to know when building a blasted church, is to always keep food in your inventory. Otherwiser you may die. And nobody should die whilst building a blasted church. That is bad for morale and has nothing to do in our circle.

Whilst building, I realised it was getting dark. I needed to find shelter quick to survive the night.

Fortunately there was a small cabin nearby with a soft bed and accompanying bacon. I couldn't sleep there. There might be dangerous predaors around. So I kept searching and I found a cave right undernearth this cabin. I slept there that night. That gave me a morale boost.

In the morning the work continued. I started sweating profusely, so I needed to stay hydrated. I needed to find a source of water fast. Or I would surely die.

I had a hard time finding a pure source of water, so I had to drink my own pee. It is great in an emergency, and a place like this, where clean water is sparse.

OH MY GOD, come have a look! I found a wild porkchop grazing in the fields! They are rare, but very delicious. I would have to sneak up on my prey with an impressive amount of agility to get to eat tonight.

To sneak up on a porkchop you will need to go down-wind to make sure it doesn't catch your scent. I snuck up on it, but unfortunately the porkchop had sensed me. It started rolling away. I took chase and by some miracle I caught it.

That was good for morale, and it gave me a boost. I had just caught my dinner for that night. I was finally ready to keep building that blasted church.

This intense church building had left me a little weak. This was surely testing me, and I wasn't gonna let that defeat me. I stepped up the pace and kept building.

Finally I was starting to see progress. The feeling was intense.
The adrenaline was pumping and I was feeling faint. I realised I needed sustenance and I needed it fast.
I found a caterpillar slowly crawling by and I quickly stuck it in my mouth and started chewing. When Building in the wild, it is important to remember that caterpillars are always a great source of energy and minerals.

This building was a true test for me. My morale took a big hit when it came to the roof. I had no idea what to do about the windows and now there were also spears to consider. This has been the most extreme build I had ever made, and it was starting to take a toll on me.

I would have to keep building, and fast. Or I would surely perish in this blocky world. I could see predators starting to circling me and the building, and I knew that if I didn't complete it soon, I wouldn't complete it at all.

I strapped on my harness and started rapelling for no reason. It gave me a much needed moral boost and it made me feel utterly extreme. I needed to get the warmth back into my body, so I started taking some pointless press-ups to feel masculine and to get the sweat pumping. I was really hankering on something to drink. I needed to prepare my bladder for that.

As day turned to dusk, I started to see the fruits of my labour. I was done. I could not believe it.
I needed to find my way back to the helicopter. With that blasted church in the rearview mirror, I hiked back to where the helicopter was going to pick me up. Another mission complete. I am Marear Harylls. And I am Building Wild

Friday 11 March 2016

Namesake

Middle names. Fuck, those are classy.
I've never had one. Obviously. I wouldn't have made an entire blogpost about them if I did, I'm sure.
They look classy as a fudge cake on a rainy day. Damn that made me sound like a country bumpkin from the Americas.
Middle namesmake you sound like a no nonsense badass. Like:
Edward Tiberius Scissorhands.
John Antonio Doe.
Inigo Revengio Bob Montoya.
William Wally Wonka.
Frederick Pennyworth Krueger.
Optimus James Earl Jones Prime.
Legolas Legs Looks Luscious Silverleaf.
Wednesday Thursday Friday Addams.
Beetlejuice B. Beetlejuice. I hope to God you get what the B stands for.
It stands or Beetlejuice. Damn, I'm dissappointed now.
You just cannot not get that. Double negative. Cool.
Wait. You cannot not... NOT get that?
You can't unget it. You willth not...eth getteth it...
Nevermind.

Victor Llewelyn Von Doom. Surely the "Von" doesn't count as a middle name does it? It shouldn't.
Captain James Evelyn Hook.
Kvikk Lunsj Gallifrey Harbak.

So many wonderful middle names, so few to use them on. Not really though. Because everyone has a middle name. When I was in Swansea there were people with like 5 middle names! Hey dude, how about sharing and caring, yeah? It's selfish keeping all those middle names to yourself!
In all seriousness though, middle names are awesome. Makes you sound all sorts of majestic. No. Majestic. With the capital M.
That was kind of hard to tell with it being behind a full stop and all that.

OK, new topic. Holy shit it is fun to reply to Facebook comments as if you're writing a novel. I have no idea what came over me, but it was kind of fun. A little creepy, but fun. Let's be honest. I am a comedic genius. There art none as funny as I!
No but seriously, if you are bored and don't give a crap about how people perceive you, then it's awesome. I never really can understand people who can't joke about themselves. I used to know a person like that, and he was a bit of a drag. But why remember assholes. Remember the cool kids. Like the Swansea crew. I miss those fucks. And my best mates back in Kriatiansand and Skien respectively. Good times were had. Rad.
Bodacious.