Joys of travel.

I'm here to tell you about the joys of travelling and what to bring on your adventures.
That's right. Brace yourself.

For this you will need: 
1x suitcase
1x chainsaw
2x pants
5x tissues
1x hygiene gel containing alcohol
1x moisturiser
2x handcuffs
1x whip
1x book
4x hair-bands
17x knives hidden around on your body (preferably plastic)
1x wire, type barbed
1x computer
1x list of complete and utter bollocks

There's nothing better than to sit in a train carriage with a rather, let's say rambunctious child, or children... Listening to their parents trying to shut them up, then retaliating by screaming even louder.
That happened to me. A train-cart with two screaming kids and a baby. Jumping out the window was looking particularly tempting that time. The mother couldn't even be arsed to try and make her kids shut up, which was delightful.
If this happens to you, I suggest you lure these little monsters with you into the train toilet, pretending to be their mother or something on the way there and enjoy tying them up with their face in the toilet itself, leave them there and enjoy the train ride in peace. You should possibly also wear a hood or something and make sure you don't leave any fingerprints, at this point... I'm not sure that is completely legal.
It's also probably the most attention they've ever got, bless them.
Neglect is a beautiful thing.

Ah, kids. Enchanting creatures.
I say 'creatures' with the greatest respect for their parents.
And of course sitting down until your bum goes numb, your hands covered in what you hope to be your own sweat and not a million other people's ...gunk...
When you finally arrive or get closer to your destination, this passive state has made you worn out, all clumsy when you walk (because you no longer can feel your arse or thighs) and uncertain of life itself.
You could probably add sanity to that too, actually.

That last piece of stretch between you and home/hotel/friend's house/whatever seems so close, yet so far away. You just can't wait until you get there so you can finally wash your hands and blow that god damn nose of yours!
That's right.
Because over the course of your journey, all sorts of black shit has sneaked up in there.
Unless you snort cocaine, I guess...
I actually have no idea what the mucus of a cocaine-user look like, I was just making a joke because cocaine is white and the exhaust-city-travel-dust isn't.
HAHA GREY SNOT!
Apparently that happens a lot when you live in a city.
Not the cocaine snorting, but the grey snot... There probably is a lot of cocaine abuse too though, which is of course, unfortunate. But you can't really do much about that, now, can you. Who will they listen to, in all honesty? You? The random blabbering idiot or the nice familiar warm embrace that is their addiction?

Sweating profusely whilst getting sick > feeling fine with the occasional buzz? Definitely.

So, Billy, what have you learnt today? That's right, don't ever try to save your fellow human beings. Because they think you are a bee.
Why a bee?
Because they are bee-utiful, that's why.

Oh dear.
I guess this is what happens when I decide to update my blog at 4 am...