The Little Shop of Horrors.

When biological needs take us to the shops, we go past this amazing place. It is a place where dreams come true and nightmares are made.
Yes.

Ok, this needs to be listened to this whilst reading to set the mood. I am doing this because I am A PERFOOOORRRMAAARRRR. And PERFORRRMAARRRZZZ need to set the mood. 

BEHOLD! 

If this isn't the creepiest thing you've ever seen, then I would really like to know what is. Because this is truly amazing. I don't even know what more to say other than WHAT WERE THEY THINKING.
It says Lilleaker Fysioterapi. Which means Lilleaker Physical therapy or Physiotherapy. Whichever you prefer. 

We have this hypothesis that whenever you enter, you never come out. And another doll will be added to the collection.

Yes, I am a firm believer in this story of course. Because I made it. And I am everything. I mean... Creepy ambience. 

The creator of Lilleaker Fysioterapi has researched the art of Voodoo. A voodoo that makes even seasoned Voodoo priestesses whimper in fear. Because even they would never even utter its name! The name of this Voodoo. Of Voodooness. 
They get possessed too, in the process. Which makes it, like, a million times more creepy. 
The proof is in the pudding. Or in this case, the picture. There is never anyone there either. Which makes this Creepy Shop of Creepy even more creepy. Why are there nobody there? Well.. Because they get turned into dolls... But still, why isn't the dollmaker there? Maybe the dollmaker is afraid of getting turned into a doll herself? Maybe the place itself is haunted? 
Maybe whenever you step into the establishment you get turned, unless you, like the dollmaker, has made a deal from The Other Side? 
Oh yes.
The Other Side.

Creeped out yet? Because this shit is creepy. 

Yeah, this place is and forever will be haunted by the screams of the turned dolls. The dolls will always hear you, they will always see you. And you will never escape the horrors of Lilleaker Fysioterapi. 

Right... RIGHT!? It's so creepy! I love this place! Everytime I walk past it, horrormovie soundtracks play (all of them at once. Which makes it extra creepy) in my mind and my heart soars with happiness. I really want to go inside. But that would involve spending money. And I don't enjoy spending money on things. Unless they are games, DVDs, more games, books, CDs, stuff, other stuff, tea... OK so I love to spend money. But not on that. Right.

Cheerio tatterbutts!

The Great Escape!

This was originally written at the Eve of the Great Move (29th of April. The Holiest of Holy dates.). So timeline is a little wobbled. I can't be arsed to change it though. Sorry. I felt it was notable enough to post though, seeing as I am a raging narcissist and love to hear myself talk/type. Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY NORWAY!! WOOHOO! GREAT JOY OF JOYNESS!

OOOOOO Lawdy! I cannot even begin to express my utter joy, utter happiness, utter utterness regarding this move.
The Genius has now filled our flat to the brim with shit from the others who will move in. I think Genius has forgotten we still have another day left on our contract. Genius is also forgetting we need to move OUT our stuff. Which is possible, but sort of difficult now. What a lovely thing to be rid of. The Genius I mean. Not our stuff. I'd like to keep our stuff.

I will post pictures when I am set up again. Hopefully tomorrow. (Wasn't "tomorrow", was rather over a week later.)
Literally only this one night left! I am so happy!! Then it hopefully won't be necessary to lay eyes on the skadouche again.

Right, the pictures. Above we see our ex-entrance filled to the brim with some of our stuff and a lot of their stuff.

Second picture is all their stuff. Literally. Over half of the livingroom space was their stuff. It's not that good to see in this picture, but I actually had to lean on the kitchen top to get it all in one picture.

Last is our stuff. And some of their stuff. The black bag is theirs. From the TV to Russ 2007 is ours. I mean talk about being helpful.

I really liked this flat though, so I am a little sad to go, but if it means not having an immense tosspot of a flatmate, then I am more than happy to leave. Allthough being able to wake up half an hour before work was pretty fucking amazing. Will be around half an hour way to work now, instead. Well worth not gazing upon the glorious stain. It turned out to be more of a slam-post than happy-go-lucky than I had hoped. I will cease the slam dunking.
The slammage has halted! The line of Slamson the Dunk has ended! There will be no Slamberg Jr! Nay!
The tale has indeed been suspended! Slamaroonies have been served at the Slamborg of Slam..nderson! (Saved)

The Slam has gathered in the pits of a dead deer. The Zlamboni has been discontinued. The Slamgetti was served, now it is out of stock.
The Slamrengeti held a Great Migration of the rare Slamnation breed. Witnesses still, to this day, claim it was the most majestic migration to behold. Or just the most majestic thing to behold, full stop. Because the Slamnatives are indeed a majestic sort.

New flat! Yay! Happiness!

New Home

We have found a new flat!
We can move in 3 weeks time, and I am so fucking chuffed about it!
I can finally say "SAYONARA YA DINGUS!" To a beloved housemate that I definitely never wanted to chuck off a balcony, nor never mentally set fire to.

(I basically just rant throughout this entire post from now on, so... If you'd like to retain your sanity, you probably should stop reading.)

Towels have started disappearing now, as we have started packing down.
I am sure other things have disappeared as well, though not noticed them quite yet.
The towels bug me though.
Favourite housemate is missing a drinking bottle, so I think he has taken my towels hostage as well as a small knife of my other housemate.
No, why would you say that is childish?

That is the epitome of being an adult. Extracting vengeance.

This guy has actively tried to make our last month the worst.
In March this Gentle Soul has torn up signs that we spent time on making (granted, mine wasn't very nice, but still, Erika's was really well done and she clearly spent a lot of time on it. He called it "Bad art" as he tore it off infront of his friends visiting him in the Easter holiday), and actively shirked on his chores. Still, though, Wonder Boy has had the nerve to actually balk at how "dirty the floors are looking" because "I think the dog is shedding more than usual!" and the like.

Hugh Hefner here agreed to live with a dog. What did he think that entailed, exactly? Absolutely no indication at all that there actually lived a canine in the accomodated areas? That is clearly what James Chapstick has thought throughout the year. He truly has turned his nose at every turn. This truly fantastic and brilliant specimen of the human race has been so cooperative... So wonderful and created such an amazing flat environment, I don't even know where to begin.

Well:
He has not taken out the paper/cardboard litter, glas and metal trash or gone to the shops with the empty cans and bottles in many months. Like even way before Christmas. Because that is actual real work that would actually allow for a lot more space in the flat. I'm sure he'll deny it and claim he went "yesterday" with like a bag of it or something.

The nymph of the forest also had the good graces to offer Friend's Dog some scraps of food from his plate, though fully aware that Dog is training to be a guide dog as well as allergies. Done so infront of Friend. He is kind like that. Not at all fightmongering. He would never do that. Such a gentle soul.

Truly an enchanting creature, this one.
Enchanting like a beautiful flower caught in the first sunlight, still with the morning dew catching the rays. Like a unicorn emerging from a quick swim, shaking its head.

Yes. True beauty in human form this one.
"OCH AYE", the Scots would say, I'm sure: "ACH LOCH SASSENACH HACH!!"

Well I've trailed off slightly. I should probably take that as a sign of "HEY YOU WHINY LITTLE LARGE LADY, STOP TYPING!!" So I will. I take my own advice very well. True story. Actually I very rarely listen to myself, though I probably should. Yes. Listening is only fun when it is about sleep, eating or playing games. I do listen to those.
Right then. Off we go.

The pictures are not mine. I found them on Google searching for "Ugly forest nymph" and "ugly unicorn". I must say Google delivered. Though well crafted. 

Minecraft 2: The Rechurchening!

Ok, so I got pretty annoyed with how shitty the church looked before. So annoyed, in fact, that I went and tore it all down. It was a pretty shitty church to be fair.

My name is Marear Harylls, I have served with the special forces, I have built a house out of debris and built in the frozen waters of the arctic.
Today I will build an extreme and intense church. I will be tested like I have never been tested before.


When building a church, gaining the higher vantage point is beneficial so you are able to tell whether or not there are any dangers nearby, or if there is a place more suited to build. You should never just build it anywhere as there might be dangerous creatures lurking nearby. And getting killed is bad for morale.


















I went into creative mode to gain a higher vantage point. I soared through the skies to observe the grounds most suitable to placing this blasted church. It was intense. The view was exhillerating.

I saw dramatic coastlines and rocky mountain tops. But I finally found a place to set down this church.
I realised I couldn't stop. I needed to see this all the way through.

I built like a champion.
I tested out the different perspectives, I tested building materials. I was getting down and dirty with this church. This blasted, blasted church. I took the building materials in my hands and got to it. It was an intense feeling.

I won't lie. I was about to give up a couple of times, but then I remembered what I was told by my trainer many years ago: I just had to drink my pee to stay hydrated. This gave me a moral boost. A much needed boost to keep on building.

What you need to know when building a blasted church, is to always keep food in your inventory. Otherwiser you may die. And nobody should die whilst building a blasted church. That is bad for morale and has nothing to do in our circle.

Whilst building, I realised it was getting dark. I needed to find shelter quick to survive the night.

Fortunately there was a small cabin nearby with a soft bed and accompanying bacon. I couldn't sleep there. There might be dangerous predaors around. So I kept searching and I found a cave right undernearth this cabin. I slept there that night. That gave me a morale boost.

In the morning the work continued. I started sweating profusely, so I needed to stay hydrated. I needed to find a source of water fast. Or I would surely die.

I had a hard time finding a pure source of water, so I had to drink my own pee. It is great in an emergency, and a place like this, where clean water is sparse.

OH MY GOD, come have a look! I found a wild porkchop grazing in the fields! They are rare, but very delicious. I would have to sneak up on my prey with an impressive amount of agility to get to eat tonight.

To sneak up on a porkchop you will need to go down-wind to make sure it doesn't catch your scent. I snuck up on it, but unfortunately the porkchop had sensed me. It started rolling away. I took chase and by some miracle I caught it.

That was good for morale, and it gave me a boost. I had just caught my dinner for that night. I was finally ready to keep building that blasted church.

This intense church building had left me a little weak. This was surely testing me, and I wasn't gonna let that defeat me. I stepped up the pace and kept building.

Finally I was starting to see progress. The feeling was intense.
The adrenaline was pumping and I was feeling faint. I realised I needed sustenance and I needed it fast.
I found a caterpillar slowly crawling by and I quickly stuck it in my mouth and started chewing. When Building in the wild, it is important to remember that caterpillars are always a great source of energy and minerals.

This building was a true test for me. My morale took a big hit when it came to the roof. I had no idea what to do about the windows and now there were also spears to consider. This has been the most extreme build I had ever made, and it was starting to take a toll on me.

I would have to keep building, and fast. Or I would surely perish in this blocky world. I could see predators starting to circling me and the building, and I knew that if I didn't complete it soon, I wouldn't complete it at all.

I strapped on my harness and started rapelling for no reason. It gave me a much needed moral boost and it made me feel utterly extreme. I needed to get the warmth back into my body, so I started taking some pointless press-ups to feel masculine and to get the sweat pumping. I was really hankering on something to drink. I needed to prepare my bladder for that.

As day turned to dusk, I started to see the fruits of my labour. I was done. I could not believe it.
I needed to find my way back to the helicopter. With that blasted church in the rearview mirror, I hiked back to where the helicopter was going to pick me up. Another mission complete. I am Marear Harylls. And I am Building Wild

Namesake

Middle names. Fuck, those are classy.
I've never had one. Obviously. I wouldn't have made an entire blogpost about them if I did, I'm sure.
They look classy as a fudge cake on a rainy day. Damn that made me sound like a country bumpkin from the Americas.
Middle namesmake you sound like a no nonsense badass. Like:
Edward Tiberius Scissorhands.
John Antonio Doe.
Inigo Revengio Bob Montoya.
William Wally Wonka.
Frederick Pennyworth Krueger.
Optimus James Earl Jones Prime.
Legolas Legs Looks Luscious Silverleaf.
Wednesday Thursday Friday Addams.
Beetlejuice B. Beetlejuice. I hope to God you get what the B stands for.
It stands or Beetlejuice. Damn, I'm dissappointed now.
You just cannot not get that. Double negative. Cool.
Wait. You cannot not... NOT get that?
You can't unget it. You willth not...eth getteth it...
Nevermind.

Victor Llewelyn Von Doom. Surely the "Von" doesn't count as a middle name does it? It shouldn't.
Captain James Evelyn Hook.
Kvikk Lunsj Gallifrey Harbak.

So many wonderful middle names, so few to use them on. Not really though. Because everyone has a middle name. When I was in Swansea there were people with like 5 middle names! Hey dude, how about sharing and caring, yeah? It's selfish keeping all those middle names to yourself!
In all seriousness though, middle names are awesome. Makes you sound all sorts of majestic. No. Majestic. With the capital M.
That was kind of hard to tell with it being behind a full stop and all that.

OK, new topic. Holy shit it is fun to reply to Facebook comments as if you're writing a novel. I have no idea what came over me, but it was kind of fun. A little creepy, but fun. Let's be honest. I am a comedic genius. There art none as funny as I!
No but seriously, if you are bored and don't give a crap about how people perceive you, then it's awesome. I never really can understand people who can't joke about themselves. I used to know a person like that, and he was a bit of a drag. But why remember assholes. Remember the cool kids. Like the Swansea crew. I miss those fucks. And my best mates back in Kriatiansand and Skien respectively. Good times were had. Rad.
Bodacious.