Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!
How weird. Christmas was just here, now it's not. It's pretty close to not even being this freaking year! What! One year closer to oblivion. Death and destruction. Just what you want on a merry New Year's eve.
Ask and ye shall receive.
You have officially received.
Up the bum.

Well this turned weird fast. I should apologise but I won't.

I am currently at a mate's cabin in the middle of absolute fucking nowhere and it is (both the cabin and being here) amazing. We have eaten so many nice courses of food (hah. What else would there be many nice courses of, really? Can you use the word "courses" for anything but food? All the questions. All of them.) as well as sweets and other yummy unhealthy food (kinda goes hand-in-hand doesn't it. A lot of the time anyway.). A lot of onion has happened. Holy shit. I am literally carrying the smell of seven diseased trolls in my pores. No not the seven dwarves, no, trolls. You'll know by the smell. Honest to Jezeus. Dwarves leave your skin all nice and shimmery. It's from all the gems and gold and shite. And beer. Beer is apparently great for your skin. Honest. Trolls are just festering pustules of dirt and grub. Nothing good comes of them. Except maybe the satisfaction of knowing they will be exterminated (EXTERMINATE!) after a shower. Oooh showers. They can't stand'em. They make them explode like blisters under pressure. Truly magnificent to watch, though I'd definitely suggest bringing a raincoat or an umbrella. Or both. Preferably both to be honest. Then again people tend to frown upon other people watching them in the shower. Something about privacy... I don't know. People are strange.

Well enough about my BO (I realise I am one classy shit. What a Lady. Holy shit). Let's continue that next year. Which reminds me, HAPPY NEW YEAR! ...again!
Holy shit, 2015. Only around two hours away at present state in time and space.
Soon people will be proclaiming their New Year's resolutions all over social media's, to which I wish them very good luck. I personally am not too fussed about them. I never had that tradition. If I get any goals then I am going after it whether it is January 1st or 47th of October, also known as November 16, but October 47 sounds a lot more fun and exciting. It probably isn't though. I mean, unless a tsunami hits Canada and tornado's start roamin' the skies I doubt it'll be too adrenaline-filled honestly. But you never know. There might be an exciting road trip down a cliff side ending in an unfortunate way for your car (not you. You are invincible. Immortal. ...Other adjectives.) or perhaps a tractor were taking up the road and precariously filled up the bridge you were far too stubborn to wait to drive over. Bridges without railings are such a problem in Norway today...
Yes. Lies aside, I hope none of that will happen. As much as I want to see a tornado, I'd honestly rather not see one here. Holy shit tornado's are cool. Like volcanoes. Only it's full-on air-doom. Not earth-doom with a hint of air-doom. Doom. Doom is a great word. I feel like people don't appreciate that word as much anymore. Doom. It just explains it all. I wish all words were/are like that. Bugger it all.


Right. Well, enjoy the fireworks,
enjoy the drink,
enjoy life,
enjoy the company,
enjoy the food,
enjoy the fisting.

Happy fucking new year you big bastard.

Kawaheehooowallahiihaw

It was Christmas Eve, babe

In the drunk tank!

Merry fucking Christmas, you absolute assholes. What a time. What a year.

What is this.

OK, holy shit, I finally got my finger out of my ass and started, well, attempted to get some creative juices flowing.

Christmas has been nice. It's come and gone. People are leaving even though they just arrived. It is quite strange being the person who is “left behind” all the time, rather than being the one travelling. I don’t know how I feel about that. It is quite nice in one way and a little frustrating in another. It is weird having friends all over the place but I often have to invest money to get to them.

It’s also quite nice. Travelling is always exciting (maybe not the train/bus/plane part, but the prospect of going somewhere is!), so going on a bit of an adventure to go see your mates is pretty awesome.

Oh, seems I got distracted.

Christmas has been lovely. We even had snow on Christmas Eve. It was like a Christmas present from nature. Freaking beautiful it was.

And I am kind of sad that The Julekalender is over. No more advent for us… Until next year! Oh yeah and I nearly won 100 000kr. That fucking scratch-and-win advent calendar was just cruel, evil and vicious. I needed 1 god damn CD to win. One. Uno. En. A single CD.

A bigger tease I’ve never seen. A cruel, cruel tease. Not just a tease, really. A taunt. 

Calendar Douche: “’Ey, come here! You will totally win a lot of money!”

Me: “Oooh, money? I like money…”

CD: “Yeah… Oh look at all these CD ‘s! You need those to win the aforementioned money!”

M: “I do? Holy shit, look at how many there are of them… Wow… Do I actually have a chance to win?”

CD: “Oh yes, you totally do! Just keep scratchin’! Only a few more now! Come on! Keep that hope burning bright in you! Remember, we need the fuel for Christmas Eve when you totally will win the 100 000kr!”

M: “WOW! O’BOY I LIKE WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE! IS THIS WHAT WINNING IS? WOW, I COULD GET MY LICENSE! I COULD SAVE MONEY FOR A FLAT! HOLY SHIT, I AM GETTING A HOUSE!”

CD: *Rubs hands evilly* “Yes.... Yeeeees….. Fuel my evil…. FUEL IT!”

M: “Pardon? What? I didn’t quite catch that; I was too busy planning my future on false hope and broken dreams.”

CD: “Yes, exactly, MWAHAHAHAHA!”

I did win 20kr off that wretched calendar douche though, so I’m not all too ungrateful. Just a little bit. I could have been more grateful, but I decided not to.

But I am absolutely, 100% sure I handled it the right way. I sent a strongly worded letter to the lottery people.

Dear lottery-fuckers

I was gifted an advent calendar of your brand.

Having not spent any money myself on this calendar I feel shocked and appalled for not winning  after having 10, not 11 CD's as required, to win the 100 000 kr. I feel abused, misguided and to be honest, a little molested.

Please send me the money or I will sue for emotional damage.

Sincerely,

Maria

I thought it was a reasonable letter to send.

They say being assertive is the way to get and achieve things, so, you know, just taking advice to heart. What you read on the internet is always true, as they say. 

And seeing as this is the internet and the internet have done so much for me, I have some advice as well. It's kind of like a pay-back. For all the times the internet helped me out.

1. Always take what is online 100% seriously,
2. Always take sweets from strangers, because, hello, free sweets.
3. Never get into a serious discussion online as only chumps do that,
4. Don't be a chump,
5. Make as many unobtainable New Year's resolutions as possible to feel better than others,
6. Loudly broadcast said new year's resolutions every day for a week after New Year, then stop mentioning them all together,
7. If you actually do one of your unobtainable New Year's resolution, be smug as absolute fuck about it for the rest of the year, as well as years to come,
8. Do Facebook Tags as much as you possibly can (unless they are actually for a charity or a good cause. Only hippies and people who make obtainable New Year's resolutions donate to charities. Don't be like them. They are chumps (ref. 3 point))
9. Rage quit. Only winners waste other people's time. If you're not a winner you are a chump. (read above point)
10. Be nice to people online
11. Follow the 9th advice and be wrong and also a chump,
12. Be yourself. Haha, just kidding. You need to mould yourself into society's stereotypes and accepted ways, haha. Nothing else is accepted. Don't be a chump.
13. Women are trash. Treat them as such.
14. Men are trash. Treat them as such.
15. ...Actually treat everyone like trash.
16. People appreciate when you are pointing out their flaws, do this often.
17. Refine your social antennas by taking advice from the internet and blindly believing everything you read. - This shouldn't really be here, but I feel like I should really hammer it in. (The hammer is my penis)

I think that's all I can come up with at this point in time (and space).
I hope you have a Merry Christmas (what's left of it) and a happy New Year!