Letters for badguys.

I had a bit of a weird spout of weirdness on twitter last night, where I theorised about what the official (probably mostly restraining orders) letters of horror movie characters looked like, and wanted to expand on that because, as kids say these days, it was "hella fun".

Samara from The Ring's landlady:
"Samara dear, I've been receiving letters of complaints from other tenants saying the walls between their and your flat have severe water damage. If this is not sorted out, I will have to evict you. I locked myself in to assess the damage earlier, and it is simply not healthy living in such damp conditions, as it will end up covered in mould. I am rather curious as to how you managed to get it wet all the way to the TV though....
Sincerely,
Mrs. Higgins"

Jason's parole officer:
"Jason, we've received complaints from families visiting your camp, complaining of a terrible stench coming from your cabin and that you chase them with a machete. These are quite serious accusations, and I will need you to come by the station Monday morning for a testimony.
Sincerely,
Bobby Joe Doughman"

Jason's intervention letter:
"Jason, mate, this is very difficult for me to say, but you need to bury your mother. It's getting to the point now, where it's really awkward coming over and see her head on that shrine. Let her go, mate. She loves you, but you need to let her go to get on with your life. If you struggle to cope, you really should look into seeing a counsellor. It's for your own good.
-Jimmie"

Jeeper's Creepers dietarian:
"Jasper, I've had a look at your diet now, and I found alarming amounts of Hummin meat? Never heard of this before, but the amounts you eat can't be healthy. I suggest going on a vegetarian diet for two weeks before you ease back into eating meat. Your system needs a break. Please look at the attached recipes if you want to boost your immune system and get your metabolism going.
Thanks, see you Friday! Happy dieting!
Jenna"

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde's wife's hastily written note:
"Henry, you've changed.
-Martha"

Dracula's doctor:
"Lord Dracula, I've received the test result for your last bloodtest and I've received a very interesting result... Did you know you are closely related to my assistant Gina? You could positively be her twin. Very interesting. You also seem to have oral herpes and I have written a perscription for you. It should stop being infectious in 2-3 weeks.
Sincerely,
Doctor Hammond"